User talk:Cocoabean
Welcome Hi, welcome to Fanon and Data Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the User:Chocolateaddictjr page. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! -- ExtremeSSJ4 (Talk) 01:45, May 10, 2011 Hey, I read your storie The Tale of th Nile keep doing a good job, hope you continue doing it -ExtremeSSJ4 03:16, May 11, 2011 (UTC) Thanks. The girl's actually about me, and there are real Egyptian names :D Represenativeofchocolateaddicts 02:07, May 12, 2011 (UTC) Cool -ExtremeSSJ4 02:45, May 12, 2011 (UTC) :D Represenativeofchocolateaddicts 21:34, May 12, 2011 (UTC) tale of nile thingy Hey, i give your story a 8/10. Yayayayayayay. KorintheKat 03:22, May 14, 2011 (UTC) aight. so tell me the pros and cons! I like how its really great ty :D happy early or late bday Represenativeofchocolateaddicts 03:26, May 14, 2011 (UTC) THE TALE OF THE NILE pros It is set in an original universe. The concept of using Egypt is something I like. Decent chapter title names. cons I don't like that you have this is written in almost quasi-script format. I'd prefer you either go full blown script, or just write normally. Whenever someone new talks, make a new paragraph. You confuse your tenses. Try to stick to either past or present. The dialogue the girl speaks is awkward and strange. I can't imagine someone like her speaking in such a way. This is particularly evident in the second section. I think you should make your chapters longer than one paragraph apiece. The entire bit with the hands coming out of the roof, and the purple blood is incredibly hard to understand. This would work so much better if you detailed each thing better, and spread this chapter out into several paragraphs. As it currently is, there is no tension or suspense, just confusion. There is a lack of any substantive buildup in this story. There was not a good enough explanation for how the girl went back in time. "Everything looks so...Ancient Egyptian!" - needs to be more subtle. The random of introduction of Prince Rameses II. That kiss... it was far, far too early. The warriors had already seen the girl. It doesn't make sense that they would then ask each other if they'd seen her. At first you call the Egyptian language undecipherable, and then like a sentence later you write out their dialogue. It would work much better if you made this bit consistent. Owait, it was from the kiss... but that doesn't make it better. Random Egyptian women. There is no sense of location in this story. I know it's in Egypt, but you could spend some time to detail and explain the surroundings, so we, the readers can get a bearing on what we are reading. Try to develop characters a bit; you seem to just introduce them randomly. Chapter ends and scene changes are very rough. If Prince Rameses already had the girl, how could the queen Tuya suddenly capture her in the streets? Much of the dialogue in the chapter "The Capture" is either awkward or completely unnecessary. Or both. Kathy's rant about her bad luck is useless. This is the first time you tell us about her dad dying, and quite honestly, I don't see how that one thing, coupled with this equates to her entire life being sucky. How Kathy got out of being a sacrifice was pretty anti-climatic. There is no suitable explanation for why Kathy was wandering the "castle" of Prince Rameses. You'd think after he just went against his mother like that and stole the sacrifice, he'd have something more to say to her. I don't see a girl named "Kathy Johnson" could mistake an Egyptian slave for her brother. Closing Thoughts: While certainly an admirable attempt for your first fan fiction, this story suffers from tons of different things. First off, it's incoherent; I can barely understand what's going on. As well, the plot suffers from a lack of detail or direction, which simply gives off the feeling that it's rushed. I think though, that since this is an original story, not in any real fanon universe, it could have potential, if all my cons above were fixed. Overall Rating: 'E-' If you want me to review any of your other stories, just ask. I know I can be harsh, but please don't let it discourage you from writing more. You will only get better with practice. ;) -KidVegeta I knew it. E-! Represenativeofchocolateaddicts 17:18, May 15, 2011 (UTC) Deleted The story you requested to delete is deleted.DBZGamingAddict 20:36, May 26, 2011 (UTC) Thanks :) Cocoarapist 20:37, May 26, 2011 (UTC) Reviewed Prison Diary- Prologue has been reviewed. Ty Every Person Has Someone To Remember This is a tribute to Adler and Cacilia. Chocolateaddictjr 02:15, June 6, 2011 (UTC) I want my name to be Aku Marumi AkurnaSkulblaka 00:26, June 11, 2011 (UTC) Otay, EXSSJ4 gave me the name, I just wanted to wait for your opinion. Chocolateaddictjr 01:16, June 11, 2011 (UTC) Sorry bout your cousins, peace......and RIP. Dont Rip your cousins in half, i mean Rest in peace. User: Kuzey457 07:50, June 11, 2011 UTC Thanks. Chocolateaddictjr 18:46, June 12, 2011 (UTC) I have a scanner/printer i scan the pic on my computer, then click add image when im editing, click browse, and click that image on my harddrive and it appears there.Kuzey457 22:04, June 13, 2011 (UTC) Damn.. That's kinda hard to remember. Chocolateaddictjr 22:06, June 13, 2011 (UTC) And goku was 7 but 13 by saiyan years so dragon ball is worse and fyi i'm just trying to piss kuzey off-SSJ3Ascension Why? Chocolateaddictjr 21:32, June 17, 2011 (UTC) Because he claimed that Kuzons a ladies man and I enjoy blowing that to a further extent than his 11 yr old mind can handle-SSJ3Ascension Media leaked the real pic of Kuzon? I'm working on the drawings of Romulus right now. Haters Gonna Hate Cocoa 21:51, June 17, 2011 (UTC) UPDATE: SLIDESHOW OF MY DRAWINGS OF THE INNER PLANETARY GOOD ARE FINISHED AS OF.. Haters Gonna Hate Cocoa 21:51, June 17, 2011 (UTC) Quick question, our characters in Universal Warriors, are they based off of just the planets, or planets, and the mytholgical gods? Just wondering... Your Mistake is my Job Intake 22:14, June 17, 2011 (UTC) Planets, Moons, Rings of planets (soul saturn). Hence the saga, Eight moon Haters Gonna Hate Cocoa 22:18, June 17, 2011 (UTC) Oh okay. Thank you, and I apologize for such a question. I asked because it would be very interesting if you did it part to the mythology. Why? ---> "In the mythic geneology and founding myths of Rome, Mars was the father of Romulus and Remus with Rhea Silvia. His love affair with Venus symbolically reconciled the two different traditions of Rome's founding; Venus was the divine mother of the hero Aeneas, celebrated as the Trojan refugee who "founded" Rome several generations before Romulus laid out the city walls.". Apparently, I would be the father of Romulus and Remus, which is a win, but, I'M A CHEATER!!!! I cheated on my wife, for, VENUS! I would also be an agriculturalist who would kill people if they stepped on his perfect lawn. Please note, that this was brought up in a comedic sense, and a serious sense, so mostly take it as a joke. I would rather be the red planet. By the way, like the Romulus Mason picture. Good job. Your Mistake is my Job Intake 22:35, June 17, 2011 (UTC) Thanks.. I had them from a secret stash of drawings 2 days ago. I asked EXSSJ4 for what he wanted his hair color to be, because i colored it a very light yellow. Thanks. I really wanted them to be about the planets. Haters Gonna Hate Cocoa 22:38, June 17, 2011 (UTC) No problem. Can't wait for the next installment of Universal Warriors. Your Mistake is my Job Intake 22:44, June 17, 2011 (UTC) Thanks. Haters Gonna Hate Cocoa 22:47, June 17, 2011 (UTC) I finally reviewed Prison Diary- A Cell Is Not A Home-DBZGamingAddict 14:52, June 25, 2011 (UTC)